I’ve had a rough couple of days which is why I haven’t been online. Me and my bf had our first fight since getting together and it was so strenuous because it reminded me so much of me and my ex. Also work has been hell and the pay sucks. And it’s been hot as fuck… things this week just haven’t gone well at all so yeah. Maybe tomorrow after work I’ll get some replies done but no promises. 

Three times Steve thought he had lost Bucky.


"Drinking?  A little.  I mean, just a little before I came over here.  Had to get up he courage somehow, right?"  Bucky stares at Steve curiously, worriedly, for a few long seconds.  Fuck, this isn’t going well.  He should’ve just waltzed in here and kissed Steve stupid.  Then blamed it on the alcohol if Steve had pushed him away.  Would’ve saved them from having to do all this talking.  


       ”I don’t need a dame, Steve.  Jesus.”  And this probably
       wasn’t the time to assure Steve that he had had a dame
       just about a week ago.  It’s not like he’s acting out of
       some desperate attempt to end a dry spell.  He wants
       Steve, and that isn’t going away no matter how much
       Bucky tells himself it’s a terrible goddamn idea.  One
       that he can’t get out of his head no matter how many
       times he tries.  ”I want you; not some dame.  Just so
       we’re clear.  Your call now.”

            The look of shock on Steve’s face would make anyone double take. Steve thought Bucky was messing around, or might of drank a little too much and was acting out because of his intoxication…. but no, this was Bucky’s way of showing his feeling towards Steve, admitting them. Steve felt like someone threw a bag of bricks at him and intended him to catch while being caught off guard. At first he didn’t know what to say, to be honest he didn’t know how to react either. Should he be happy Bucky felt the same way? Or be worried? Typical Steve to over think everything, and right now a thousand questions were flooding through his mind as to why Bucky was admitting them now of all times.

           Suddenly his heart started to beat harder and faster and it was getting hard to swallow or breath. Jaw clenching tightly, he licked his lips from nervous habit and averted his gaze from the other.  — I… uh… I want you too.  Might as well admit his feelings too, that way nothing was hidden and everything was out in the open. There was no taking anything back now.


You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering.

- Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms.


[ Here she was, back in town. He really can’t roll with the punches unless they’re actual punches. ]

"Missed you too."


               “I missed that dumpling place more, though.”

               Haha, very funny.  


True enough.  But, hey, Steve’s a troublemaker too.  That’s probably why they fit so well, so easy.  ”Guess I can understand that,” he adds finally.  ”Anyone who wants you for the whole…Captain American thing?  Stupid as hell, really.”  He gives Steve a grin now, and it comes a little more naturally.   

          “You know what the problem is, right?  If you’re looking
          for someone who knew you, noticed you, before, your
          options pretty much whittle down to one on this side of
          the ocean.”  That’s probably not totally true, but Bucky’s
          desperate enough to say it.  

He jerks a thumb towards his own chest and waggles his
eyebrows.  ”I’d be more than happy to show you the ropes,
you know.”  And there it is, a confession laid out on the
table, but he watches Steve resolutely.  Refuses to duck
his head or laugh it off; there’s a challenge in his eyes 
because he knows Steve never could back down from a 


     ”It’s be a helluva way to pass the night, huh?”

               —That’s not funny, Buck.  Steve said dryly, glancing over at the other as if he was insane. It didn’t take a miracle for Steve to understand what was going on… Bucky was either really drunk and hitting on him or revealing hidden feelings that they both seemed to have locked up.  Have you been drinking, Buck? Don’t want you to be saying something or doing something you’re gonna regret…  He said softly, biting the inside of his lip as a small sigh was exhaled. Who was he kidding, Bucky was just a bit drunk and was acting out because of his intoxication. Steve wasn’t amused.

         His reaction was just to defend himself from his own feelings that he knew he had, he didn’t want to get hurt or ruin the friendship they had.  I don’t need to be shown the ropes—  He said softly, swallowing down the lump that was forming in his back of his throat. Despite the thoughts now swimming through Steve’s head, he wouldn’t give into temptation and make a fool of himself or let Bucky do the same.  I just think you’ve been alone for too long, maybe you need a dame to entertain you.  


"What’s the matter?  Guy can’t just pop in on his best friend at…what is it, two in the morning?  Gotta be some nefarious ulterior motive here?”  Damn, Steve must smell mischief afoot. He sighs, plops himself right down on Steve’s cot and leans back on his elbows.  

He sighs, melodramatic.  ”Couldn’t sleep, was getting a little
antsy.  Thought I’d come visit you, squeeze some details
about that dame outta ya’, but I guess that’s a moot point.”


     ”It’s a real tragedy, you know?  This whole—-abstinence
      thing.  You could have any dame you wanted, face like
      that.  And I’ve seen some of the guys ‘round here lookin’

Bucky’s pretty sure he’s not gonna get anywhere with subtlety,
and it’s about to drive him right up a wall.  But Bucky prides
himself on being suave when it comes to these sort of things.  
This is starting to get pretty far from suave, especially when 
he sits up a little to tug his own jacket off, making a show of 
getting comfortable again.

             Buck, with you there’s usually a nefarious ulterior motive ninety percent of the time.  He said in an amused tone, a small smile forming on his lips. Bucky would never know, but Steve always thought he was a handsome guy… and the women that went home with him were lucky as heck. Steve has never been caught because he was a bit more subtle, but he’s stared at Bucky a few times… was he ashamed? No. He just never said anything because this was his best friend, not some dame to drool over.  It has nothing to do with being abstinent— just haven’t found the right person is all. Don’t want some girl that’s gonna drool over me now that I’m big and handsome… want someone who likes me for me.  No one but Bucky noticed him when he was small… but now that he was Captain America, everyone seemed to want a piece.

            Not everyone’s gonna be lucky like you, Buck. Confidence and all that jazz.  He said, shrugging lightly.  Did you seriously come here to try and get me to sleep with some girl? Cuz I’m not interested if that’s the case.  Came a dry tone, expression hard for a moment. He was just being grim and a bit grumpy because he was being reminded that, in fact, he was still a virgin.


Well, Bucky didn’t think he was any scarier than before.  If only because he knew exactly how scary Steve could be, even at ninety odd pounds.  If anything, it was less scary now because you knew exactly what you were up against.  He can’t help but laugh at the too-tight fit of the clothes he’s putting on now.  

     ”Nah, nothing’s wrong,” he says, easy and slow as he shoves his hands into his pockets and walks further into the tent.  ”Like I said, just trying to get used to it.”  And, really, what the hell is he thinking when he tugs teasingly on the pulled taught line of Steve’s collar?  He’s probably thinking that Steve will dismiss the words, the body language, as some sort of joke.  Or, at the very least, won’t turn Bucky in for it.  


                          “Bet the dame in that little French town loved
                           it.  What was her name?  Adelaide?  She
                           seemed——real grateful for all your good work.
                           You let her thank you properly?  You know,”
                           he adds, winking, “we’re all real glad to have
                           you around, but I don’t think Dum-Dum would
                           thank you quite as thorough.”

            Steve was still the same person on the inside, shy, generous, a gentleman— And still completely oblivious towards someone hitting on him. That was never his main focus, his area of expertise. Hell, he was still a virgin for Pete’s sake… that wasn’t something anyone would know anytime soon. He wasn’t exactly proud of it.  You and both know I don’t thank girls like that, Buck. And if she would of offered I would of politely declined…. that’s more your territory then it is mine.  A small smile formed on his lips, before he sat down on the bed with a sigh, ignored the creak it made under his newly formed weight. He was still getting used to being 130+ pounds heavier.

              I meant if something was up, you don’t usually come and visit me this time of night. You’re either out drinking with the boys or doing something dumb.  Steve did realize there was something different about Bucky, the way he walked and the way he walked… but he brushed it off as being nothing. 


             Nat? I thought you left town——